Really, really struggling today! I had a really bad day yesterday, no energy & was in a lot of pain. I gave in in the end, took some more pain killers & just laid on the bed for a few hours watching TV. But sitting around doing nothing doesn’t sit well with me, I’m not a laze about sort of person naturally. I’d rather be out & about, immersing myself in Nature or in the kitchen cooking up a feast for when my family get home. It’s what I love doing, it’s who I am!
Today the pain isn’t quite so bad; a combination of chamomile tea, tramadol & diazepam ensured I had a good night’s sleep and that’s definitely helped restore my resolve, that in turn gives me the strength to deal with the pain again today. But dealing with constant pain can really drag you down and it’s a lonely business too. I don’t like to mention it or moan about it, but when it gets bad, talking about how I’m feeling is an outlet, a release & in a way a coping mechanism.
It really gets me down that I can’t be myself, I feel trapped & restricted. I can’t express myself how I feel I want to, I can’t run through the fields or dance around the house. And being in pain isn’t sexy either!! It’s hard to feel sexy when you’re in pain & it hurts to move, sometimes it takes all my concentration & focus to deal with that pain and that can overshadow my natural tendency to be playful, mischievous & flirty.
I’m really struggling to stay on top of it today, I’m trying to keep myself cheerful, focussing on to the blessings in my life but it just doesn’t seem to be working. I’ll keep trying, I’m dropping my mum into town in a short while & while she’s doing what she needs to do, I’m going to take the dogs & meet Phil in the park near where he works, we’ll only have a short walk before he has to get back to work & I have to pick mum up again but it’ll be lovely to be out in the sunshine with him, even for a short while ~ that will help to lift my spirits. And when I get back I’ll prepare the dinner before I stop, otherwise I know it’ll be a real effort to get going again.
I think the one thing people don’t really understand about pain, unless they’ve experienced long term chronic pain themselves, is that it’s not just a physical thing, it’s not just the actual pain, it’s the emotional pain & frustration, the feeling of being helpless & useless, the feeling of not quite being whole in yourself, not being able to live your life in its entirety, the feeling of being a prisoner inside a body which just won’t do what you want it to.
I’ve lived my whole adult life like this and I feel like I’ve missed out on being who I am. But looking at it another way, being a woman with arthritis IS who I am, it’s with me every day & it affects everything I do.
Despite my constant struggle with Arthur, I still feel very blessed on a deeper level because it could be a lot worse, I could be unable to do all the things I still manage to do and it’s remembering that fact on a daily basis which drives me on when I really don’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning!
Thanks for reading, it really helps to have this place to let it all out...much healthier for me than trying to hold it all inside constantly.
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Hi Ness,
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you - I only had to live through three days of chronic pain a month, but that's nothing, really. Have you ever managed to push through that pain barrier?
I've changed my diet to eating about 80-90% raw food only. This has helped with my monthly pains, and the occasional bout of arthritis has flared down as well - just every now and again I get a sharp pain, that goes away after about 5 mins. You've probably tried, everything, I'm sure, but I thought I'd share this with you in any case :)
You're a strong woman, we all know it. And we're here for you, to witness your pain, to listen and to try and understand. The way that you take inspiration from life itself, to get on with living, is a lesson we can all learn from. x
OH my poor Ness -yes, I do understand and no we don't want to moan and be a pain to other people but sometimes we just want to scream "do you know how difficult it is just keeping THIS cheerful?"
ReplyDeleteWe hobble along together and keep each other up, laughing at each other, crying together and pretending we are OK. Sometimes we do really insane things like have pretend tea parties - anything that makes it lighter. You can always moan to me .... I promise I'll do it back at you! Gentle hugs n strokey paws xxxx
Ahhhhhh, Ness- crap, i know :(
ReplyDeleteIf it's any consolation at all, the whole spontaneous sex thing has taken it's leave from this household, because neither of us are anywhere near as supple and bendy as we used to be!
Now instead of leaping on the kitchen table, we have to have a think about whether we will be able to get off it afterwards :)
Too much information? As long as it brought a smile to your loverly face xxxxxxxxxxx